Upon watching that hot mess that was the Dallas Cowboys season opener, Owner Jerry Jones said it was a “surprising” result. Whut? A hillbilly fantasy football commissioner with only one working eye could see this coming a mile away. Didn’t I say it in my last post? Stout defense, terrible offense, on their way to a top ten draft pick and a new head coach. Put it in the bank!
When you pay a nice, average quarterback a superstar’s salary, let your offensive line deteriorate around you, employ an offensive coordinator who runs a horrific trick play on your third offensive snap, and doesn’t advance his squad past the 31 yard line the entire game (!! — this hasn’t happened in the past 25 years of Cowboys’ football according to The Athletic’s Bob Sturm); and take $21m worth of cap space into the season — it’s not a surprise when you lose to the GOAT.
You know what is surprising? How little I let myself get upset with the Cowboys these days. Honestly, you’ll never find a more loyal Dallas Cowboys fan than myself, but my expectations are so, so low. In terms of sports team fandom, it’s an abusive relationship. Maybe this year, I’ll just root for the Detroit Lions, who have Big Stone Gap’s own James Mitchell on the roster. Or maybe the Baltimore Ravens, who have Jordan Stout from Honaker punting the heck out of the ball and holding for the greatest kicker in NFL history.
Or maybe I’ll just focus on … the Mayberry Mighty Moops…
Week One of the SPFL lived up to expectations with a couple of nail biters, some real strong showings across the league, and one skippity pap cat fight.
Piranha Brothers 156.7 – Turf Turtles 111.7: The apparent Monty Python aficionados from Rural Retreat did anything but that in week one, shaking off the Cam Akers Thursday night fiasco (0.3 points), and cruised to victory thanks to JaMarr Chase (28.9) and Travis Kelce (26.1). The Turf Turtles were led by AJ Brown (25.5) and video game aficionado Kyler Murray (21.1). Watch some tape, man!
Bright 1s 158.8 – Heath’s Heroes 152.9: In a real slobber knocker, the Bright 1s picked up a big win thanks to Michael Pittman (27.1) and Jalen Hurts (26.4), while the Heroes took the tough loss but showed the league they mean business, led by Justin Jefferson (39.4) and Josh Allen (36.4). They were likely buoyed by the thought of an additional 117 points on the bench for the long slog that is the SPFL season.
Ghost of Megatron 147 – Thunder Monkeys 134.2: Another heavyweight battle had Megatron telling Yahoo to take that low draft grade and shove it, putting up big points with Patrick Mahomes (35.2) and Jonathan Taylor (30.6). The Thunder Monkeys came out swinging, led by Stefon Diggs (28.2) and Deandre Swift (28).
In the skippity pap game of the week, the Bull Rings mustered 95.9 points, just enough to squeak by Yesterday’s Corn’s 94.6 points, which was the only score they could have beaten this week. The Bull Rings were led by Lamar Jackson (23.8) and the Ravens D (17), and overcoming three starters putting up sub-2.0 point outings each. Oof. The Corn was led by Russell Wilson (19.9) and Brandin Cooks (15.2).
Greased Lightning 143.3 – Admiral Dakbar 136.8: I wager there may have been a wager on this outcome and it was worth keeping an eye on, as the Lightning did just enough to secure the W, led by Cooper Kupp (31.8) and Cordarrelle Patterson (24.8), while the Admiral was led by the Tampa D feasting on the pathetic Cowboys offense to the tune of 26 points while Javonte Williams chipped in 21.5.
Mighty Moops 132.5 – Bitter Midgets 117.7: This blood brother’s battle looked over heading into Sunday night, but thanks to Cee Dee Lamb’s 4 point outing, the Moops were able to stave off the Midgets, led by their top two draft picks, Saquon Barkley (35.2) and Davante Adams (30.1). Joe Mixon (24.2) and Amon-Ra St. Brown (20.4) were the sweetest of midgets this week.
Next Week
- Moops/Monkeys
- Dakbar/Piranhas
- Midgets/Bright 1s
- Bull Rings/Turtles
- Megatron/Heroes
- Lightning/Corn (“It’s Corn! It’s a Beautiful Thing!”)
In surely what is a sign that we are in for a heck of a year in the SPFL, we even had a week one trade. The Moops sent Marquez Valdes Scantling to the Midgets for Breece Hall. We usually starve for trade action in the SPFL and here we are burning up the block already! Let’s go!
That will do it for this week. I’m a little rusty and trying to get back into the swing of things. If you have any ideas or requests, just drop it in the comments. I’ll always have some NFL/SPFL thoughts to share and maybe a movie/TV review here and there, and I may have some Mount Rushmore sports and pop culture lists that I may throw out this year for some league reflection and feedback.
Until then, have a good rest of your week, and enjoy the football!
The Commish
Have looked forward to having the write ups back! Speaking of TV reviews, if anyone hasn’t watched “The Terminal List” on prime video, I highly recommend it. It came out back during the summer, but from the first episode, I was hooked into it and want to get the books to check out.